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Making Valentine’s Day Special

Shortbread Hearts

When I was a little girl my dad always bought me and my sisters Valentine’s Day gifts.  It was usually something small, often a plastic container that was filled with conversation hearts or a heart-shaped box of chocolates, maybe a small knick-knack or stuffed animal.  I remember how that little trinket waiting on the kitchen table in the morning would bring such joy.  I remember showing it off to my friends in school and it being my prized possession for at least the next several days.

This year I am treasuring those memories a little bit more because it is our first Valentine’s Day without my dad, who passed away very suddenly last month.

I’ve got to admit that I was dreading this weekend.  Not only is it the first holiday without my dad, but his birthday is also Monday, a double-whammy of reminders not even a month into our grieving process.

To counteract the sadness that I’ve been feeling, I decided to focus on making this Valentine’s special for E, the way my dad always made it special for me.  So, out came the trinkets!

Car Valentines

I decided that it was only appropriate to celebrate E’s current true love – cars!  So, I came up with these little valentines, one for E and others for his cousins and some special Stroller Strides friends.  I was really happy with the way that they turned out and was super-proud of myself for creating valentines that were non-food (i.e., completely safe and healthy) and something that every toddler loves.  They even leant themselves to a cute, Valentine’s Day-appropriate saying.

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He was so excited to get a car and was surprisingly willing to share the love. (I was a little worried that he was not going to like the idea of giving away cars.)

IMG_4036I added to our Valentine’s Day festivities, with another thing every two-year-old loves – cookies!  We used Ina Garten’s shortbread cookie recipe (by the way, shortbread is egg-free!).  We substituted soy-free Earth Balance for the butter and topped them off with safe red sprinkles (Wilton are safe for us).  They were a lot of fun to make and E gets so excited when he gets a “surprise” for dessert 🙂

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Also, my heart-shaped strawberry project from last year, inspired me to use cookie-cutters to Valentine-ify his standard peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I love that something as simple as cookie cutters can make so many safe foods more fun!

Heart PB&J

My Valentine’s Day was totally made first thing this morning, though, when E said, “Happy Valentine’s Day Mommy, Daddy” and initiated a big group hug.  Seriously could not think of a better gift!

I hope you are having a great Valentine’s Day with your loved ones.  Hug them a little closer and extra long this year.

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 Happy Valentine’s Day to My First Valentine! I Love You Dad!

2

Hindsight is 20/20: What I’ve Learned About Chronic FPIES

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Over the past couple of weeks I’ve written blog posts that I liken to the first two chapters of E’s FPIES journey: leading up to the (IgE) milk allergy diagnosis and from then until we eliminated grains from E’s diet.  My goal in writing those posts was to give you a glimpse into what that time was like for us.  I don’t think words can express the degree of anxiety, exhaustion, desperation, frustration and helplessness that we felt, but maybe I provided a little insight.

Many of you have asked me if these posts were difficult to write.  They were.  It is difficult to relive that period and it is difficult to pull the snippets of memories into a coherent story.  It is also hard to remember what we knew when and what we felt when.  But I think it’s important to tell our story, so that hopefully someone else who relates can learn from it.  It is also cathartic and helpful for me to try to iron out all of the details and emotions. Honestly, I usually publish the posts feeling a huge sense of victory and pride.  After remembering where we were, our current situation is amazing!  If you have seen E lately you know that he is thriving.  We are conquering FPIES every day.  But it was quite a journey to get here and I’d like to continue to share that with you.  If for no other reason than for you to be able to truly appreciate and join us in celebrating how far we have come.

 

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 April 2014

I thought that this point in our journey would be a good time to take a step back and relate what we were experiencing to what I have since learned about FPIES.

Looking back at those first 7 months of E’s life, knowing what I know now, it is clear to me that he was experiencing chronic food protein-induced enterocolitis syndrome (FPIES).  Chronic FPIES results from the chronic ingestion of an allergen.  It is a group of symptoms that continue pretty much constantly because the allergen, which is causing them, is eaten over and over.  The classic initial presentation of FPIES is usually chronic because it is to one of the staples of the diet – cow’s milk or soy. The milk (often in the form of a baby formula) is the primary (or only) food that the infant is eating and it usually isn’t clear at first that it is related to the symptoms, which include chronic diarrhea and profuse vomiting.  The vomiting and diarrhea can lead to failure to thrive, low blood pressure, and shock (6,108,110)*, which may require hospitalization.

E certainly had the vomiting!  It makes sense the he was vomiting all the time because he was constantly exposed to his allergens.  He was only three days old when we started supplementing his nursing with a couple of ounces of (milk-based) formula.  Newborns eat every two hours and the timing starts at the beginning of a feeding.  E ate slowly (probably because his little tummy was always upset) so we were pretty much feeding for an hour at a time, taking an hour break, feeding again, and so on.  He didn’t sleep (again, probably because he was so uncomfortable), so he didn’t really have any time to get the allergens out of his system before I gave him more.  The vomiting was constant with no obvious pattern because the feeding was also fairly constant (or at least it felt that way).  It’s not clear if he was reacting to allergens in my breast milk (from my diet), which is possible but rare (6) but we followed every feeding with a couple of ounces of formula.  So he was definitely getting milk (or soy for a few days) every 2 hours or so.  Obviously, I had no idea that I was essentially poisoning him every time he ate, but I still feel incredibly guilty.

And then there was his weight.  I’m not sure if anyone ever officially classified him as “failure to thrive” but it was definitely a phrase that went through my head more than a couple of times after learning that he was less than the 3rd percentile in weight and height at his two month well-visit.  At the time I think the pediatrician assumed it was because my breast milk supply was low, and that may have been the case.  However, I am also convinced it was because he was vomiting so frequently and in such large quantities that he wasn’t digesting the nutrients and calories that he was taking in.  The poor kid was starving, despite the (seemingly constant) hour-long feedings.  Keep piling on the mommy guilt, and now add the heartbreak of realizing how sick and hungry your little boy was during his first two months of life.

I don’t think E ever had the diarrhea, which is one of the things that originally gave me pause about the FPIES diagnosis.   I’ve since learned that only about half of the children with FPIES have diarrhea (105).  In addition, E rarely had any bowel movements.  We were convinced he was constipated (a logical conclusion based on his lack of poop and apparent discomfort), but in hindsight it seems more likely that he didn’t have enough food being digested to make waste.  It wasn’t that he couldn’t get the poop out, it was that there wasn’t any in there to begin with.

Finally, I have learned that about one-third of patients with FPIES also have atopic diseases such as eczema (6, 110), which explains E’s skin issues.  I will say that as awful as the vomiting was and as upset as I was about his failure to thrive, I am so grateful that he never had any of the more severe symptoms such as extreme lethargy, hypotension, and shock, which occur in about 5% of patients (105).

When I read these descriptions of chronic FPIES, it seems as though they are describing E.  It seems so clear that this is the correct diagnosis for him.  I only wished we had realized it sooner.  If had known and had done more research, I think the second chapter would have looked different.  If I had known the stats concerning multiple allergies and grains, I would not have given him rice and oat.  I now know that approximately 48%  of FPIES patients react to more than one food (110) and 30% react to three or more (105).  After milk and soy, rice and other grains are the most common triggers (105).  About a quarter of those who react to milk and soy also react to one or more grains (110).  Further, 40-50% of those who react to one grain, react to another grain (105, 110).  It has also been noted that  those with solid food FPIES are more likely to have eczema (110).  Because of these findings, one group of researchers (105) recommended caution when introducing grains to children who react to milk and soy.

I feel like we were led somewhat astray by the recommendation to add rice or oat to E’s formula to help prevent the “spit-up” (which, by the way, I am now sure was actually vomit as a result of an allergic reaction).  If I had known about the high rates of reactions to grains (with these two being the most common), I would have avoided those longer and tried to obtain a clearer baseline after eliminating milk and soy.  So, yeah, in trying to help our baby, we actually made him worse.  On the bright side, these data do support our decision to avoid all grains for a while.

It’s now clear to me that so many of the things E was experiencing – the eczema, the sleep problems, the poor weight gain, the general discomfort, and especially the vomiting – were the result of FPIES.  Thankfully, this also meant that once the allergens were eliminated from his diet, he started to improve.

By the end of March 2013 his only source of nutrition was an elemental formula (which contains no proteins and is, therefore, hypoallergenic).  We had removed milk, soy, and all grains from his diet.  In April (8 months old) the vomiting stopped, his skin cleared up, and he started taking two good naps and sleeping through the night.  And I could breathe again.

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When E was about six months old (which is the recommended time frame), we were given the ok to introduce fruits and vegetables.  I decided that it would be safest for me to make E’s baby food.  I had never even imagined making baby food but I wanted the control of knowing exactly what he was getting and be sure that any contact with his allergens was avoided at every step in the process.  We followed the four-day wait rule, that is recommended for all children (not just those with allergies).  We introduced one new food at a time and offered it for four days before declaring it safe and moving on to the next food.

E loved everything we gave him!  It’s actually fairly common for children who have food allergies or other food-induced ailments to have aversions to food and reject new foods.  Not E! Before we knew it he was eating pureed avocados, bananas, sweet potatoes, pears, apples, carrots, peas, and the list kept growing.  We even started to add meats and eventually baked egg (in preparation for his birthday cake).  As he got a little older it was tricky to find good finger foods (the typical first finger foods are usually Cheerios or wheat/rice puffs – all primarily grains), but he did great with small pieces of bananas, avocados, and sweet potatoes.  We eventually found Happy Baby Happy Creamies, which are coconut milk-based fruit and vegetable melts.  These sweet treats became a favorite snack.

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They didn’t always make it into his mouth…

I spent the end of E’s first year perfecting my label-reading skills, enhancing my creativity, brushing up on my cooking techniques, and catching up on much-needed sleep.  I remained in constant fear of an anaphylactic reaction to dairy but triple-checking to make sure we had the epi-pen before we went anywhere became second nature.  E’s diet was limited but he wasn’t having any reactions.  As we approached his birthday we did another round of skin tests, all of which (even dairy) were negative, as were blood tests.  This was great news and a step in the right direction but not enough evidence to know for sure that his allergies were gone.  At least two negative tests are needed and an oral food challenge to know that he has officially outgrown an allergy.  So we allowed ourselves let out a little sigh of relief but didn’t let our guard down, just in case.

By the time we made it to August (and E’s first birthday) we had a lot to celebrate.  We finally knew what was going on with our baby and felt in control of it.  E was thriving, his weight had exceeded the 90th percentile, though he was still a little short (we’ll cut FPIES some slack and blame my short grandfather for that one).  He was starting to walk and was generally an adorable, happy baby.  We celebrated with a Curious George-inspired, dairy-free party complete with dairy-free, grain-free coconut-flour birthday cupcakes.  E had a blast and loved his cake 🙂

Eating Birthday Cake

 
*I’m going to attempt to infuse some research wherever possible.  There isn’t much out there but I think it’s really important to acknowledge what we do know and let it guide our decisions in managing FPIES (and any other illness, really).  Clicking on the numbers will take you to the journal article page with the complete citation for each number.  I hope this is helpful.
7

We never thought to look for a zebra.

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In medicine there is a saying, “when you hear hoofbeats, think of a horse not a zebra.”  It’s a reminder to consider the most common and probable diagnosis before jumping to the conclusion that there is something rare and exotic going on.   Sometimes when I look back at the first couple months of 2013 I become angry about the recommendations that were made and the symptoms that were missed.  But, FPIES is a zebra, a rare disease that isn’t the first diagnosis to be considered.  We were so busy assuming that we were hearing horses that we didn’t  think to look for a zebra.

The end of 2012 was rough.  On top of the constant fountain of spit-up coming from our son, none of us were sleeping.  E had never been a good sleeper but December 2012 was especially bad.  I have always been one of those people who really needs 9 hours of sleep to function.  On some nights I was lucky to get 4 fragmented hours.  And naps weren’t any better.  By four months, E was napping for about 35 minutes at a time three or four times a day.

It was not lost on me that just before I got pregnant I had done a rotation in a sleep clinic and had successfully treated insomnia in several adults.  I thought I knew a lot about sleep.  I was wrong.  So I started reading.  In my sleepless state I read at least 3 books and countless articles about how to get a baby to fall and stay asleep.  We attempted sleep training several times between 3 and 7 months.  Each time we started with controlled crying, letting him cry for a set period of time and then going in to reassure him.  It was awful.  After I left the room, I would hold my breath, watch him on the video monitor, and fight back my own tears.  He was so worked up.  And then he would vomit.  I had heard of this, babies getting so upset they they vomitted.  This seemed different, but doesn’t it always when it’s your baby?  He was so very upset and the vomit was forceful, an eruption that was clearly visible on the monitor.  When the timer went off, after what felt like years (but was really only 5-10 minutes), my husband or I rushed in and tried to console him.  He was always covered in vomit.  We would move him to a different, dry location in the crib, wipe his sad little face, and leave for another 5-10 minutes.  I think the worst part was that after he finally fell asleep he would start crying in his sleep.  We would go into him but he was still asleep, just screaming.  It was so sad.  We told ourselves that the sleep training was for his own good and our only chance of sleep.  But it didn’t feel right.  After a couple of nights we would give up.  And then, as the desperation set in, we would try it again.  The psychologist in me said that consistency is key.  But the mommy in me said that something was wrong, he was sick, he was uncomfortable, and I couldn’t leave him to cry in his vomit.  So we didn’t sleep and I continued to worry.

By the end of the year we were looking forward to a change.  E’s diagnosis with an IgE allergy to milk was scary – to think that exposure to dairy products could be fatal to our baby – but we finally felt like we were getting somewhere.  All we had to do was avoid milk and our son would start to feel better.  The allergist also suggested we avoid soy.  He hadn’t gotten better during the couple of days that he was on the soy formula, so it was possible that he had a soy allergy despite the negative test results.  I was weaning and he was transitioning to Neocate, a formula that is hypoallergenic.  We trained all of our family members in his emergency action plan and how to use the epipen.  Things were bound to get better soon.

We waited. I think we expected the spit-up fountain to just turn off one day.  It didn’t.  We were still worried, still stressed, still really really tired.  So I bought a book.  That’s what I do.  I read.  I think.  I research until I can understand and wrap my head around what is going on.  I started reading “Understanding and Managing Your Child’s Food AllergiesBy Scott H. Sicherer, MD, a pediatric allergist who is well respected in the field (I later learned he is an expert in FPIES, but that wasn’t on my radar at the time).

I spent all of the time and little energy I had learning about food allergies.  I was most interested in IgE allergies, after all that was E’s diagnosis.  But I’m a bit nuts and I have some sort of a compulsion that requires me to read an entire  book.   I can’t read select parts that seem interesting or skip parts that are irrelevant to me.  I have to at least skim the whole book.  You never know when you might need that other information, right? So I read about the symptoms of IgE allergies – the eczema, the stomachaches, the vomiting.  It all made sense and fit in with his diagnosis.  But I also read about non-IgE allergies.  I read about FPIES and thought it sounded like E’s symptoms, vomiting was a symptom here too, so was poor growth.  I didn’t think he had diarrhea (but who knows – baby poop is weird, right?).  And thank God he never tuned blue or went limp.  I decided it wasn’t a good fit, besides the doctors never mentioned that as a possibility.  I was grateful that we weren’t dealing with a disease that is hard to diagnose has dramatic symptoms.  I continued to skim until I got back to the “relevant” parts of the book. When I finished the book I felt better informed, but was still covered in vomit.

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A rare moment of sleep.

We had a follow-up appointment with the allergist in mid-January.  By that time E was only drinking Neocate but we were still seeing mass amounts of spit-up.  The allergist felt confident in her diagnosis of milk allergy and was not sure why he was still spitting up.  I cried.  I vividly remember holding E in my arms and staring out the office window to hide my tears.  I didn’t know what to do.  Why was this not working?  What was wrong?  How could she not know?  What were we going to do? When would I sleep again? I felt so defeated and helpless.

I was only slightly comforted by the fact that the allergist had a plan.  She wanted him to see a GI doctor and recommended thickening his formula with rice or oats to try to get it to stay down.  She also ordered an atopy patch test to get more information about the milk allergy.  She explained how the test worked and what we needed to do but didn’t give us her rationale for the test.  And I didn’t ask. I was too upset.  She was about to go on maternity leave so we planned to see someone else in the group to go over the patch test results, we didn’t want to wait until she returned to work to get answers.

I think it was in the car on the way home when I realized that I had read about the patch test, in the non-IgE section of Dr. Sicherer’s book.  I felt confused, maybe I was mistaken.  Then I thought back to the red flags I noticed in the FPIES section and wondered if the allergist was also thinking that it might be non-IgE.  She hadn’t mentioned it but maybe it was something she was thinking?  I reread those sections.  The patch test was definitely a test for non-IgE allergies, but it wasn’t widely used, was still considered experimental, and controversial.  I felt like I didn’t really understand the plan but I always believe in collecting as much data as possible.  So I made the appointment.

While we were waiting for E’s patch test and GI visits, I focused on what I hoped would be our solution – thickening his formula.  I had heard of other parents having success with this technique and I was willing to try anything.  Some quick internet research suggested that rice can cause constipation and gas.  I decided to thicken his formula with oats, trying to avoid adding any more GI symptoms to this poor kid.  Thickening the formula was a mess.  The formula was too thick for E to suck through the nipples we had.  I bought nipples designed specifically for thickened formula, but the holes in those were huge and the poor kid couldn’t keep up with the flow.  On top of that, making bottles became more complicated.  Our kitchen started to look like a chem lab with all of the powders, measuring spoons, and scales.  Don’t get me wrong – it would have been totally worth it if it had made a difference.  But it didn’t.  There was no change.  The high volume of spit-up continued, only now it was thicker.

Next was the GI appointment.  We were so hopeful that we would learn something, that they would finally tell us what we needed to do.  That they would have the answers for which we were so desperate.  That E would stop vomiting all the time, feel better, and sleep.

The visit was horrible!  The nurse practitioner that we saw was like the “what not to do” example in an empathy course.  She was terrible at listening and spent the entire appointment telling us stories of other children that spit up a lot.  I guess she was trying to normalize our experience, but she came off as rude and uncaring and totally unhelpful.  The doctor was a little more empathic and spent some time educating us.  He explained that because the upper GI in November was normal and he was already on a hypoallergenic formula,  the spit up probably wasn’t caused by anything physiological and probably wasn’t related to his allergy.  Once again he was diagnosed as a “happy spitter.”  By now those words made every muscle in my body tense up and my skin crawl. No one understood that E was not happy.  Happy babies don’t cry in their sleep.  He explained that the spit-up would likely stop once E became more vertical and his esophageal muscles strengthened, which should happen around 12-13 months.  The GI doctor didn’t think thickening his formula was necessary but didn’t think it would hurt and also wanted us to start to wean him off of the omeprazole.  He thought we just needed to wait it out.  I cried.  E was almost 6 months old and I wasn’t sure that I could do this for another 6 months.

Feb2013

The atopy patch test was in mid-February.  E and I went to the office on Friday afternoon and the patches were applied.  I was under the impression that he was just getting tested for dairy.  However, the order had been for dairy, soy, oat, rice, and chicken.  I thought that was odd but I’m always happy to have more data so I didn’t mind.  I’m not sure when it started to click but I some point I remembered reading that these 5 foods were the top FPIES allergens.  The nurse almost didn’t test for dairy because he had already tested positive in the scratch test.  Luckily, by this point in the process I had started to find my voice and insisted that she follow the doctor’s orders.  Our allergist was on maternity leave and couldn’t be consulted so all of the patches were applied.  But we were told to keep an eye on the patches and remove them sooner if we noticed a major reaction.  To make her point, she told me that sometimes children react so badly that their backs look burned.  Great.  Something else to worry about.

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This is E’s back with the patches applied.

The test consisted of taping small, shallow cups containing the allergen to his back.  The cups were left in place for 48 hours.  We removed them and bathed E on Sunday afternoon and returned to the clinic on Monday for a doctor to read the results.  Over the weekend E developed a cold and also had a couple of episodes of projectile vomiting. Those episodes stuck out as different from the usual spit up, so we chalked it up to the cold and the allergist agreed.   Thankfully, there weren’t any burn-like reactions, but his skin wasn’t clear either.  The test showed a reaction for milk, a smaller reaction for soy, oats, and chicken and an “equivocal” reaction for rice.  Our un-trained eyes didn’t see much differences between the reactions, but we agreed that there seemed to be reactions to all of the patches. The results for milk, and even soy, were not really surprising.  But you can imagine how upset we were to learn that the oats we had been adding to his hypoallergenic formula were a possible allergen! The doctor wasn’t concerned, she was focused on the fact that he didn’t get worse when we added oats.  We were focused on the fact that he didn’t get better.  She suggested we try switching to rice for a week or so and then back to oat to see if there was a change.

As far as we were concerned, there had been a small reaction to rice and we weren’t interested in repeating our oat mistake.  However, I also knew that the best way to diagnose an allergy was with real exposure to the allergen.  Allergy tests aren’t perfect and there are false positives (and false negatives) all the time.  I had also knew that the test was not perfect, or even widely accepted so it was probably not the best thing to base all of our decisions on.  So we gave it a try. Nothing changed.  We even went back to oat, for about 5 days.  No change.  In a last ditch effort, we tried barley.  Still spitting up.  A lot.

By the middle of March 2013 my husband and I finally took control of the situation.  I had been reading a lot and was pretty sure we were looking at an non-IgE allergy, possibly FPIES.  The data supported this and many of the symptoms were consistent.  He was still spitting up soooo much, still seemed uncomfortable, still having trouble sleeping.  I knew he was still sick.  We weren’t making progress by only avoiding dairy and soy.  We needed to do more.  My gut screamed at me to stop exposing him to grains.  I finally listened.  We stopped thickening the formula and went back to straight Neocate.

At this point E was almost 7 months old.  We had seen 2 different allergists at one of the county’s top children’s hospitals and no one had mentioned non-IgE allergies or FPIES.  However, we continued to collect data. I don’t know if our allergist was starting to think it might be FPIES, or if she was trying to rule out FPIES, or if it didn’t even cross her mind.  I don’t know what she was thinking because she didn’t tell me.  I’m just glad that I am a researcher.  Glad that I was able to look at the data and make decisions.  I think it was at this point that I decided that on top of the dairy (and maybe soy) allergy, E had non-IgE/FPIES allergies to rice and oats and maybe chicken.  I still didn’t totally understand what that meant but we added those foods to our list of allergens to avoid.

We found the zebra.  We learned how to take care of the zebra.  And E started to get better.  Finally.

March 2013

0

Becoming Brave

Brenee Brown Quote

For several weeks I have been trying to write the story of our FPIES journey.  I wanted it to be my very first post.  It is, after all, the whole reason for the blog.  It is also the first stop I make when visiting other blogs.  It’s how I understand where the author is coming from and connect with the family’s struggles.  It is perhaps the the most important part of the blog.  And now here I am at my fourth post and I still haven’t shared our story.  I feel like I owe you an explanation.

First, you should now that I am a scientist.  I am a good scientific writer.  I can explain the facts and present data in my sleep.  I have spent years practicing a style of writing that denies any emotional connection.  I like it that way.  I do not like to show my emotions.  I do not like to make myself vulnerable, yet I can not tell our story without inviting you into my home and my heart during a time that was so very emotional.  I must show you my vulnerability.

I want to tell you all about E’s symptoms, how we knew something was wrong, and how we kept being told that nothing was wrong. I want to tell you everything because I want you to understand.  I want to justify my reactions and show you that I’m not just an anxious helicopter mom (I don’t deny those traits, but there is more to it in this case). I want you to know you aren’t alone. That we’ve been there too.  But at the same time, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to go back to that time.  I don’t want to relive the anxiety and fear and uncertainty and the pain.

Another issue is that it’s difficult to write a coherent narrative of that time.  My memory is blurry.  I was so tired, so very, very tired.  I find it hard to remember all of the details and the order in which they occurred.  To further complicate the picture, there were so many symptoms occurring at the same time that it’s hard to know what was related to the FPIES and what was actually normal.  It’s messy and it’s hard to convey what happened when.

When I make an attempt to put that time of my life into words, it just doesn’t seem right.  In some ways I feel like I am being overly dramatic in my description.  The words make it sound worse than it actually was.  In some ways I feel like all that I experienced was a big over-reaction.  It seems so straightforward and I wonder why I felt like it was so terrible.  Sometimes I wonder whether it’s worth sharing our struggles at all.  Maybe I should stop whining and just deal with avoiding food.  There are certainly worse ailments we could be dealing with.  In fact, our FPIES story isn’t even as traumatic as other FPIES families (if you get a minute, visit the blogs listed in the column on the right).  But, the truth is, that doesn’t matter when it’s your sick kid and you’re the one who is constantly worried.  It’s an awful feeling that my descriptions probably won’t do justice.

Then there’s the 20/20 hindsight.  I’m pretty sure that is the worst part.  When I look back, 18 months later, after over a year of research, after several months of decent sleep, after numerous doctor appointments, when the details are in black and white…it seems so obvious.  I wonder how I could have missed it.  I wonder why it took so long.  I wonder why I made the decisions that I made, why I jumped to the conclusions that I did, why I let my son suffer as long as I did.

Logically, I know that this is all silly.  But on an emotional level it is still so raw.

So that is why I have not posted our detailed story yet.  I will.  I know it is important.   It is important to everyone who reads my posts to know where I am coming from.  It is so important for other FPIES families to know that they are not alone.  It is also important for me to recognize my strength in getting through those endless days and to begin to accept that I don’t always have all the answers when I want them…but I will always find them eventually.

In the meantime, I have posted an outline of our story.  It’s the “scientific” version that is my best attempt at giving you an overview of the past 18 months.  There’s very little detail or emotion.  That will come.  Eventually.  Thank you for your patience and your support.

**These reflections and the conclusions that I came to about why I am struggling so much to write our story remind me of Brene Brown’s work on shame, vulnerability and living wholeheartedly.  It’s really interesting work.  Check out her page if you have some time: http://brenebrown.com/